I’ve been here in Kosova for over a month now and being completely honest, it hasn’t been all I hoped or imagined. Frankly, I thought I would enjoy living and serving in Europe a lot more. I expected difficulties, of course, but this?
It’s tough for me to admit but some days I feel as if this trip has been taken hostage and replaced with some strange, unpleasant dream.
Why is this?
Well, I don’t feel the best most days – headaches have become a frequent friend as well as exhaustion, dehydration, etc. My lack of physical wellbeing has contributed to discouragement and even the desire to leave at times.
For a while I felt bad for feeling bad. I obscured my emotions with positivity and reminders that it’s not about me – and it’s not. At times, I just wished I felt better physically and emotionally as I served.
Some days I think all I’ve done is pick up trash, hand out flyers while feeling awful, taken photos, and stood around.
And maybe that’s enough. Maybe demonstrating God’s love through city clean-up, photography, and my mere presence was all I was called to Kosova to do (though I do suspect God has more this next month).
What I’ve realised is even on my darkest days of frustration, sadness, and struggles, God is with me. There are moments of light and joy in every minute, hour – if I choose to find them.
Whether it’s a stunning sunset, an encouraging conversation, or an orchestra playing in the shesh (the downtown walking district of Prishtina), God has continually encouraged me each day and given me glimpses of His goodness.
Still, at times in the midst of struggle, I find myself longing for an explanation like Mary and Martha questioning Jesus about Lazurus’ death in John 11.
However, instead of giving a theological reason, Jesus wept with them.
Though I would like to know why I am here in Kosova, I see Jesus crying and laughing, rejoicing and struggling with me.
I have never cried alone. I have never suffered alone.
And neither have you.
Whatever you are facing, God is with you. He has never once left and He never will.
I don’t know what these next few weeks will look like – the challenges they may bring or opportunities they may offer, but I do trust that the God who has sustained us thus far will provide during our final month in Europe.
– Kaylie Moss, Ten2 2021 Participant & Storyteller